When I was expecting my first child, I was genuinely fine either way. Boy or girl: I just wanted a healthy baby.
By the time I was expecting my second, I’ll admit it quietly now, I wanted a girl. Not because boys are less lovable. But because, somewhere, deeply ingrained and rarely questioned, lives this belief: Girls are closer to their parents. Girls are more emotionally attached.
Girls call. Girls share. Girls notice moods. Girls stay connected. Boys, we are told, grow up and drift away. Emotionally unavailable. Awkward with feelings. More Mars than Earth.
And then I raised two of them.
My boys will turn 17 and 21 this month. And if emotional distance had a gender, no one told them. They don’t dramatize affection. They don’t narrate feelings. They won’t sit and dissect emotions the way I imagined a daughter might.
BUT THEY SHOW UP.
In small gestures that don’t announce themselves. In quiet loyalty. In noticing when I’m not okay without asking unnecessary questions. They may not always say it, but they stand by me.
And somewhere along the way, I became their go-to person. Not because they’re emotionally dependent but because they’re emotionally secure.
That’s when the myth started cracking. Children aren’t wired by gender. They’re shaped by genes, yes, but more importantly, by what they grow up seeing, absorbing, and feeling safe expressing.
If boys seem detached, maybe it’s because we taught them silence is strength. If girls seem closer, perhaps it’s because we allow them to express themselves more freely. It isn’t about chromosomes. It’s about conditioning.
My boys didn’t grow up being told, “Don’t cry.” They didn’t grow up believing emotions were a weakness. They weren’t applauded only for toughness. They grew up seeing conversations, disagreements, care, and presence. They grew up in a home where feelings weren’t gendered.
So, they learned a connection in their own language. Do I still wonder what it would have been like to raise a daughter? Of course I do.
But I no longer believe closeness wears a dress. Or that emotional attachment is feminine by default.
Sometimes, it looks like a son silently waiting outside your room when you are upset. Or a message that says, “Are you okay?” with no follow-up, because trust already exists. Or simply knowing that when it matters, they will be there.
No noise. No labels. Just presence.
Maybe children don’t become distant because they are boys. Maybe they become distant because no one taught them how to stay close.
And we? We need to stop raising genders and start raising humans.